## Developing Self-Control

## Proverbs 25:28

(Proverbs 25:28) He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.

In our series, we've been looking at building our life on values that last; choosing a standard, accepting responsibility, developing trust, and this week developing self control. This is not exactly a quality that a lot of people want to talk about today. We're not really into discipline. We're into whatever feels good, do. Self control is an area that all of us have to deal with in one way or the other. It's not just for those who blow up. It's also for those who clam up. Most people are one of two in life. They're either a skunk or a turtle. When a skunk gets in trouble, he stinks the place up. He lets it rip and everybody knows when the skunk's upset! On the other hand, the turtle folds himself into his shell. He hides, he cowers down. They don't blow up; they clam up. Both of those are inappropriate forms of anger. In our society it's very obvious we don't know how to handle anger. Violence is on the increase. Crime is on the increase. Profanity is on the increase. Half of all murders actually occur between family members. People are getting angry about little things. It seems like, as the frustration level rises, so does the anger. As the anger increases, so does the violence.

As in every other area, God has given us His Word to instruct us in how to develop self control. Anger is not evil in itself. Anger is not a sin. God gets angry, so obviously it's not a sin. The Bible says that Jesus got angry. Anger is a God-given emotion, the problem is in how we express our anger. In the book of Proverbs, God gives us seven specific suggestions or steps, keys, secrets.

Controlling Anger

1. (Resolve) to control it.

"I can't help it, that's just the way I am."

We need to quit saying we can't control it and start realizing we can.

The Bible says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Instead of making excuses we need to start accepting responsibility for our reactions.

(Proverbs 29:11) A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.

Notice a wise man 'keepeth' that is an act of the will; it's something we choose to do.

Anger is a choice, just like every other emotion

Resolve simply means to decide in advance.

This is the first key: We decide in advance that we're going to control our anger with God's help.

2. (Realize) the cost.

The Bible is very specific about the cost of uncontrolled anger

(Proverbs 29:22) An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression.

(Proverbs 15:18) A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.

We would all agree that hot tempers cause arguments.

Anger causes mistakes; people with hot tempers do foolish things. Ex. Hole in the wall

All of us have seen somebody really mad do something absolutely stupid and make a fool of themselves.

There are all kinds of costs involved.

On the job, a person who blows up will put their career in jeopardy.

(Proverbs 14:29) He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.

(Proverbs 14:17) He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is hated.

When we lose our temper, we always lose.

We may lose our reputation, our children, the love of our spouse, or our job.

When anger goes uncontrolled in our life we always lose.

There's a price tag, and it's not worth it.

The Bible says we can even lose your own family and finally have nothing worthwhile left.

(Proverbs 11:29) He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.

3. (Restrain) my mouth.

(Psalms 141:3) Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.

We've got to think before we speak because inevitably anger control is mouth control.

Have you noticed that you cannot put your foot in your mouth when it's closed?

(Proverbs 17:28) Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.

If we will learn to keep our mouth shut we'll stay out of trouble.

(Proverbs 21:23) Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.

God gives us a good formula to follow in the book of James.

(James 1:19) Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

If will do the first two, the third one is inevitable.

But if we are slow to listen and quick to speak we're going to be quick to anger.

The Bible says it starts with restraining my mouth.

That's the ultimate form of emotional maturity -- the ability to control our mouth.

Some of the things we've been taught about anger just aren't true.

Some have said, "We have to blow of a little steam once in a while."

"Don't hold in the anger…let it out, you will feel better once you do that"

That is contrary to the Word of God!

God tells us to control our emotions… especially our anger!

4. (Reflect) before reacting.

(Proverbs 29:11) A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.

(Proverbs 19:11) The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.

Delay is a tremendous remedy for anger, not indefinitely.

Anger delayed indefinitely becomes bitterness and that's worse than anger.

But if we respond impulsively, we're going to tend to respond in anger.

When we wait a little bit and let it cool, we will be more rationale, more reasonable.

The longer you hold your temper, the better it gets.

Think before we speak:

T = is it (truthful) Before we say it, is it the truth? H = is it (helpful) Or is it just going to harm? I = is it (inspirational) Does it build up or does it tear down? N = is it (necessary) If it's not necessary, don't say it? Some things aren't necessarily wrong, they're just not necessary so we don't need to say it. K = is it (kind)

What do we do during that delay, while we're waiting?

We try to figure out why we're angry.

We try to understand it.

Anger is always the symptom of the real problem.

We get angry because something else is wrong: we are either hurt, frustrated, or afraid.

Examples: stubbing your toe… waiting in a long line… child runs into a street…

5. (Release) my anger appropriately.

(Ephesians 4:26) Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

That verse means there's a way to be angry and not sin.

It is not automatically a sin to get angry.

There are appropriate ways and there are inappropriate ways to get angry.

There are helpful ways and there are harmful ways.

There are right ways and wrong ways.

It's all in how we deal with it.

Three ways not to deal with anger:

1. Don't suppress your anger.

a. Don't store it up inside.

b. We have to deal with it.

c. If we don't, we will suffer.

2. Don't repress it.

a. Denial. "I am not angry. Everything is fine."

b. When we deny that we are angry it is being dishonest.

c. God doesn't want us to be dishonest.

3. Don't express it in inappropriate ways.

a. Pouting: acting like a baby that doesn't get its way.

b. Sarcasm: hurting people with our words.

c. Manipulation: Revenge and retaliation "Don't get mad, get even."

d. It may be in any number of other ways that are inappropriate; if we don't handle anger God's way it is always inappropriate!

4. We must confess it!

(Proverbs 22:24) Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go:

a. This verse is saying that anger is contagious.

b. When somebody else gets loud, we get loud too.

6. (Return) good for evil.

(Romans 12:17-21) Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

The heart of the problem is the problem with the heart.

(Matthew 12:34) O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.

It's not my mouth that gets me in trouble, it's my heart!

Jesus is saying that whatever's inside of us is what comes out.

Like a tube of toothpaste…nothing comes out until we squeeze it.

When the pressure is on, and we get squeezed what comes out?

Whatever is inside!

7. (Request) God's help.

(Psalms 141:3) Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.

The final principle on developing self control is asking God to enable us.

In our own power we are incapable of controlling our mouths…our tongues.

(James 3:8) But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

He saved us and has given the power to become all that we need to be through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.

(2 Corinthians 5:17) Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.